And Life is Like a Song...(a prayer request)

I always thought that would be a good thing. And maybe, by God’s hand, it will eventually be. But at the moment…

‘I think I’ll move to Boston/I think I’ll start a new life’ is, as of last week, my assistant director, Nehemias’, new theme song (Nehemias is pictured, left, facilitating on the Flying Squirrel). He unexpectedly announced to the base leadership that he felt God calling him to leave Richmond and move to Boston to get married and work with the base there. God had graciously prepared me for this announcement through some things that had happened in the weeks prior, but it’s still not my favorite thing. So, I’m posting this super-short update to ask you to pray.

And I thought I was ‘climbing’ before…apparently, that was just the warm-up. Praise God, He’s still on belay. : )

Please pray:

+For Nehemias: that God will lead and bless him in his marriage and future ministry in Boston

+For me: equipping to do all that God has set before me (which now includes a whole lot more of what my friend Luba calls ‘man work,’ along with things I can handle physically but just plain haven’t done before), and that God will use this time to grow and strengthen me and my trust in Him.

+For God to raise up at least one more full-time ropes course staff.

+For God to order my steps as I book groups and those of my facilitators to ensure that the needed personnel are available when groups want to come to the course (at this point, all my ‘staff’ are principally responsible to other ministries and will have to work the ropes course in to their schedules as a secondary priority-I don’t think I realized before now what a blessing it was to have 2 ‘sure things’ in the facilitation lineup).

Praise God with me:

+For preparing me for this news and equipping me to handle it.

+For the volunteer staff I still have (3 of whom-Carol, Jack & Camila-are pictured right, training on the Titanic), who have almost unanimously voiced support and willingness to do whatever it takes to get through this time (one of whom is a 'true' volunteer-not on staff with YWAM-and is still committing to give whatever time he can beyond his work responsibilities).

+For God’s equipping and help with my new load thus far.

Thanks guys…today more than ever, I’m so thankful for you, my ‘cloud of witnesses’ praying and cheering me on.

Climbing

'On Belay?’
‘Belay On’
‘Climbing.’
‘Climb on!’

Thus begins one of my favorite new pastimes-rock climbing. I love it because it’s a challenge (and because it’s fun). To get to the top of a route (the section of wall or rock you’re climbing) you have to use all of your brain and your body, and quite often, you have to make risky, almost crazy maneuvers—pushing up on one leg while reaching with another, aiming to get your finger into a narrow crevice and grip strongly enough to pull up far enough to put your right foot on that tiny ledge above your hip so you can take a breath and start over again. To make those moves, you need not only strength and brain and nerves, but an unflagging trust in the person who holds the other end of the rope to which you’re attached-your belayer (the guy on the right in the picture below, taken before I started a climb)) who essentially holds your life in his hands. A good belayer never takes his eyes off of his climber, is always ready with encouragement and guidance when the climber is stymied or about to try a difficult move, and when the climber falls (as beginners like me generally do more than once while attempting a route) he’s ready to stop them. (Blake teaches Lauren and I to belay and we give it a try in the pictures below)



The reason I tell you all of this (no, this has not been a commercial for Rock Climbers of America) is that God has, as He often does, used this ‘non-ministry’ experience to speak to me about ministry. A week or so after my first outdoor climbing experience, I was assigned to lead the summer program for the neighborhood kids. I was more than a little overwhelmed by the prospect-I had just a few weeks of urban ministry under my belt, was just barely making it through Character Club (our weekly bible study with the neighborhood kids) with my sanity intact, and was making very little headway building relationships with the girls in the study-and now, I was supposed to be not just helping, but planning and running a program multiple times a week with those same kids. In my quiet time one day that week, I was thinking about climbing--one of those mental tangents that are most of the time just distracting, but which God sometimes redeems, as He did this time when He broke into my digression to draw a parallel. I was facing, in leading the summer program, what looked like an insurmountable obstacle. It would take everything I had--no, more than I had--to get to the top. But I could almost hear God saying to me ‘Beth, this is a difficult route, but I’m on belay-I’ve got you-climb on!’

I didn’t end up directing the summer program. I started the climb, and was grateful at several points on the route to remember that God was on belay. But I was even more grateful for the practice in trusting when, in mid-June, our base director asked me to pray about taking over as the Director of Richmond Ropes, our high and low ropes challenge course. After I prayed and understood that God was, indeed, saying ‘climb on,’ I started my most challenging climb yet. First, I had to figure out (or shut up long enough to hear God telling me) how leading the ropes course fit into my calling to minister to at-risk teenagers. God showed me that almost everything about the ropes course-from the experiential method of learning to the lessons of servanthood, interdependence, encouragement, achievement, and responsibility (among others) is tailor-made to reach the kids I’m called to. That, in effect, He was handing me the perfect tool for the job. Since then, every day has presented new challenges-recruiting, directing and caring for staff, bringing groups to the course, budgeting, planning, training and many more. I don’t manage it all the time, but more and more I’m standing at the bottom of the routes that God puts in front of me and remembering to say ‘On Belay?’ and after hearing His affirmative response, to say ‘Ok, God, I’m climbing’ to which He always replies ‘Climb on!’



Praise God with Me:
+ For the way He’s led me these last few months and provided me with this amazing tool (the ropes course) for urban ministry.

+ For my recent trip to Nashville and the fellowship and new partners He blessed me with while I was there.

+ For His provision even outside of partners: I am constantly amazed at how I need or even just want, things and then they drop into my lap. A friend asks for a ride to the airport and offers to fill my gas tank when it’s way below ‘E.’ Another friend is moving and gives me her tennis shoes that won’t fit in her luggage-when mine are about to give up the ghost. So many fun stories, so little time.

Please Pray with Me:
+ That I will continue to hear and heed God’s encouragement and guidance as I climb. That I could face challenges well and also find balance between my continued work with the urban department and the responsibilities of leading the ropes course (in this picture, my two worlds collide as we take ground games from the ropes course to character club-fun times!).

+That God will guide and show favor as I make calls to previous groups and potential groups to try to schedule time on the course.

+ That God will raise up and equip part time and full time staff to join Nehemias (my assistant director), our current part time staff, and I in this ministry (Camila, in this picture, is one of my volunteer summer staff).

+ That God will raise up partners for Nehemias and I so that, with our financial needs covered, we can focus solely on the ministry at hand.

+ That God will heal the bacterial skin infection I’ve had since July-I’m on my second round of antibiotics with a side of steroid cream and am definitely ready for some relief.

Home

As some of you know, I grew up in the military. Every three years, like clockwork, we packed up and moved to a new place and my brother and I steeled ourselves for another term of being ‘the new kid.’ We got used to it, but it was never our favorite part of life-leaving the place we had come to consider ‘home’ and the people who made it feel that way and landing in a completely unfamiliar, uncomfortable and, with the exception of each other, friendless place.

When I moved to Richmond last month to start my work with YWAM, I found myself right back in ‘new kid’ mode. I didn’t expect it because I had spent 5 months here last year during my DTS. But the six people I’d been closest to, my classmates, were not here. My role had changed—from student to staff member—which meant a new schedule, new responsibilities and new quarters (The Inn, our dining hall and my former abode, pictured left) . I had expected to pick up where I’d left off 6 months earlier and instead found myself as adrift as I’d ever been after one of our moves growing up. Don’t get me wrong-everyone was kind and welcoming and helpful. I spent most of my first day hugging people and hearing words of welcome. But in the end, I was still the ‘new kid.’ Unfamiliar, uncomfortable, awkward. I cried, I journaled, I prayed, and this song (‘Home’ from the Broadway version of Disney’s Beauty and the Beast’) began to play in my head:

"Is this home? Is this where I must learn to be happy?/ Never knew that a home could be dark and cold/ I was told, every day of my childhood, even when we grow old/ Home should be where the heart is-never a word so true/ My heart’s far, far away-home is, too/ What I’d give to return to the life that I knew lately/ But I know that I can’t solve my problems going back”

And also, from Landon Pigg’s ‘Keep Looking Up:’
“I know you’re going somewhere new/ and I know it’s never going to feel like home to you/ but this time, the only way around is through”

It sounds strange, but God often uses the songs in my head to speak to me. I wondered, for a few days, if this was one of those times. But what was the message, then? ‘You’re not home, get over it?’ Then one morning in my quiet time I turned to Deuteronomy 33 and read verse 27: “the eternal God is your dwelling place; and underneath are the everlasting arms” and I got it-this is not home, and it never will be. God is home. And so, in a sense, wherever I go or whatever I do, I am home, because God is there. And when I 'fall' in the unfamiliarity and awkwardness-say something dumb to that person, forget this kid’s name, get lost and arrive hopelessly late for that church service, He catches me in His arms—sometimes smoothing things over, but always reminding me that, even though I’m not perfect, it’s going to be ok.

As ‘Beauty and the Beast’ progresses, Belle begins to feel at home. She learns to love the ‘people’ in the enchanted castle and, in time, even the Beast. A few days after I read that verse in Deuteronomy, God led me to take a walk around the neighborhood. As I walked, I noticed the beginnings of familiarity and love for this place and these people. I passed houses that I recognized as the homes of people I’ve met, and remembered the things we prayed over them a few days before as we took our weekly prayer walk. I walked past the ‘Hut’ (the Powhatan Community Center) where we have Character Club every Thursday night and thought of the kids I’m getting to know there. I saw two little girls in the park that I planted herbs with at the Neighborhood Resource Center earlier in the week.


I ended up at a vacant corner lot that I love because it’s got a great view of the city (pictured, right) as well as down into the projects that a lot of our kids live in. As I looked out, I found another line from ‘Home’ in my head: ‘Is this home? Am I here for a day or forever?’ And for the first time since I arrived in Richmond, I was willing to (and did) say to God ‘I will stay here as long as you want me to’ instead of ‘God, help me get through my two year commitment.’

I don’t know if He’ll take me up on it, but I know that wherever He leads me, I’ll be at home.

Praise God with Me:
+For my first EVER (as a full time staff member) support check that arrived in the mail a few weeks ago…and for the second that followed last week. I believe that if God is calling me here, He will provide my funding-so checks are good not only because they help pay my rent (which is great), but because they’re like a booster shot to my confidence in my calling.
+For giving me His heart for this place and for continually making me more comfortable
+For God’s favor and progress in my relationship with M, one of the teens I’ve been assigned to develop a one-on-one relationship with.
+For God’s blessing and leading in my mentoring relationship with one of the English Language and Culture School students-an amazing 18 year old girl from Chile.

Pray with Me:
+That God will provide the support that I need to continue serving in Richmond (all YWAM staff live entirely on support-my living and ministry expenses will come to something like $1300 a month)
+That God will continue to give me His heart for this neighborhood and especially the kids I work with (pictured right: my friend and fellow staff, Julia, and I with some girls from the neighborhood-we spent 8 hours together one Saturday, braiding Julia's hair)
+That God will show us favor and give us wisdom in dealing with the kids, whose family and social backgrounds are quite different from ours
+That God will continue to open doors as I pursue a one-on-one relationship with M

Walk With Me

As I was wracking my brain (and my hard drive, and the internet…) for a brilliant name for this blog, I came across these song lyrics. I loved them so much and they seemed so perfect, that I almost picked ‘Walk With Me’ as the name. But, ‘Cloud Watching’ just seemed so perfect, too…it has the advantage of being for both of us. For you, it accurately describes the purpose of this blog: to help you, my cloud of witnesses, watch what God does in and through me as a result of your love, prayers and support. And for me, it reminds me: there is a cloud watching. I have a responsibility, first to God, and then to you, to be faithful to my calling, to seek and serve God among young people who need Him.

But, as I said, I almost picked ‘Walk With Me,’ because it fits, too. It’s a Caedmon’s Call song that I sang at St. Paul once (I flatter myself to think that some of you SPCC'ers might remember :)). I have the lyrics on my hard drive because, well, I never trust my memory when I sing. Anyway, check it out:

Walk With Me
Walk with me quiet, walk with me slow
With watered down coffee and words of gold
I can feel the edges of these things
When I hear you speak to me, so walk with me

Walk with me empty, walk with me strong
The hush of our voices, when the day seems so long
It is like a balm, it is like a jewel
It unravels all I thought I knew

Will you lead me, beside the still waters
Where the oil, it runs over, and my cup overflows
You restore my soul

Tell me the story, where old is made new
The promise of ages, and all things that are true
When the shadows fall and the wrecking ball
Swings and tears me through the heart

Will you lead me, beside the still waters
Where the oil, it runs over, and my cup overflows
You restore my soul

15 While David was at Horesh in the Desert of Ziph, he learned that Saul had come out to take his life. 16 And Saul’s son Jonathan went to David at Horesh and helped him find strength in God. I Samuel 23

Sometimes God, as in Psalm 23, directly leads us to still waters, comforts us and gives us rest from the trials we face, the battles we fight. I’ve experienced that often over the last year, and it has been awesome. But many times, we are too focused on our struggle or pain to respond to His leading. Then, he sends us friends—they listen to us, speak comfort to us, advise us, help us understand, lead us beside the still waters and sit with us there until God restores our soul. I’ve experienced that many times this year, as well, and I can’t begin to express my gratitude to God and to those who’ve allowed Him to use them to ‘walk with me’ and ‘help me find my strength in God.’ I’m so thankful to you, my cloud of witnesses, for walking with me in the last year, and for signing up to do it again—I know that I will be able to ‘do all things’ that come my way because ‘Christ strengthens me’ (Phil 4) directly, and through you. I praise God for you!

You Can't Always Get What You Want

I spent a weekend with God a few weeks ago. I first felt led to go and do this when I was reading Esther-when Mordecai gives Esther the immortal ‘for such a time as this’ charge, her response is, essentially ‘give me three days to fast and pray, and you do it too.’ So when it came about that I was going to have a free weekend, I thought ‘great, I’ll go spend three days like Esther and seek God about my calling.’ I asked a few other friends to be my Mordecai and Co., seeking God where they were while I was seeking on my own in my ‘palace.’ (ok, it wasn’t mine and it wasn’t a palace-actually my little brother’s row-house in inner-city Philadelphia, but whatever :) )

Then God started speaking to me in my quiet times about resting, and also about seeking His face-basically saying to me, ‘hey, let’s just hang out this weekened,’ to which I replied ‘that sounds great, but I REALLY need to know what’s coming up next, because I’ve got people who need an answer from me by next Friday…but hey, since you’re God and everything, we’ll play it your way (exasperated sigh).’ And I set off for Philly planning to obey and hoping God was going to ‘surprise’ me (is it really a surprise when you’re expecting and even counting on it?) with some guidance.

Taking stock at the end of the day Saturday (the halfway point), I had to admit I’d had a wonderful, restful time, to a degree-God and I had some awesome worship times, He’d said some cool stuff in my quiet and prayer times, and we’d had an adventure walking around my little brother’s neighborhood-but I was still missing that ‘surprise’ guidance I was hoping for. It was like getting a bunch of stuff for Christmas, but not the one thing I really wanted. I tried to keep a good attitude about it and went to bed (do you ever wonder how amused God must be at our attempts to be gracious to Him? How kind of me to let Him off the hook like that).

The next morning as I was worshipping, God rewarded my ‘graciousness.’ As I was concentrating on playing, singing and worshipping all at the same time (a difficult feat for someone with my paltry guitar skills), I had a flash of understanding about Esther—she wasn’t seeking God for direction, as I had thought and hoped to emulate. She already knew what she was going to do. She wasn’t seeking Him for favor. That’s what she had Mordecai and crew doing outside the palace. She was seeking God for God—spending three days coming to a place of being ok with whatever He did or didn’t do when she walked into that throne room and waited for the king to first spare her life and then hear her request. And I saw that God, knowing what I THOUGHT I was doing, had been doing for me what I SHOULD have been doing. I saw all of those second-best presents in a whole new light then-I had appreciated them, as I said, before, but when I saw how they fit into the whole of what God planned for my weekend, I was amazed. He is good. To quote my Mom, quoting Mick Jagger: ‘you can’t always get what you want-but if you try sometimes (in this case, if you let God have His way) you might just get what you need.’

And for the record, God did finally weigh in on my decision. With time to spare.

On April 6, I will go back to YWAM Virginia to take the Principles in Child and Youth Ministry course. Please pray that God will equip me for study and ministry, provide my tuition and expenses, and most importantly use the next 5 months to prepare me to walk the path on which He has set me.

Comfort from Simeon

Every year, in preparation for Christmas (and, if I happen to have my act together, also for my Christmas letter) I read the different Christmas stories in Matthew and Luke. I didn't really feel like it this year, as my dad had died less than a month before and I was working like crazy at a store in the mall to help out a friend and to make some money to buy gifts, but I found myself doing it anyway, out of habit and with more than a little bit of a pout in my attitude (Fine, God, I'll read this, but I'm NOT going to like it!). God ignored that and graciously comforted me through the words of Simeon in Luke 2 (vs 27):

'Lord, now you are letting your servant depart in peace, according to your word;
for my eyes have seen your salvation that you have prepared in the presence of all peoples, a light for revelation to the Gentiles and for glory to your people Israel'

(Background: Simeon was a prophet who met Mary, Joseph and the infant Jesus in the temple courts, having been brought there by the Spirit who had also revealed to him that he would not die (he must have been an older man) until he had seen the Messiah)

As I read Simeon's words, I was overwhelmed with the feeling (to the tune of crying in the mall common area-I probably freaked a few people out :)) that this (letting His servant depart in peace) was what God had done for my dad, as well. His last moments were marked by peace. The room was filled with us, his family, speaking to him softly, telling him he had loved us well and that we love him in return. One minute he was breathing, and the next he was gone. There was no pain or struggle, just peace. In all my imaginings of that scene--and I had over 5 years to contemplate it in my weaker moments--peace was never part of it. Crying, yes. Sobbing and maybe even wailing and collapse, but not peace.

And in months--no, years--of praying for God to heal my dad, my follow-up prayer has always been 'but if that's not Your will, please just wait until he's ready.' Not that anyone is ever completely 'ready,' but not being privy to the inner workings of my Dad's mind and spirit, I was asking that God at least give my dad the time to work out any questions or fears or misunderstandings about Him that he might have. And as He's just taught me through my DTS time to look at these things, things I can't grasp but which fit His desires and character, through a lens of 'Why not?' I have to believe that He answered that prayer.

God is good. Strong. Loving. Comforter. Yea God.

*****
(I'm pretty sure I emailed everyone who reads this blog when my dad died. But just in case, I'm including the email I sent out that night.)

Dear friends,
My dad died today after a five year battle with cancer. He was blessed and sustained by God every day of that time, continually amazing doctors, nurses, friends and family alike with his survival, strength, and positive attitude. God gave him several periods of rest & remission within that time, and allowed him to leave this life peacefully, surrounded by his family. God blessed us richly through him and we will miss him. Thank you so much for your prayers and encouragement as we’ve ‘walked through the valley of the shadow of death.’ (Ps 23) Many of you have been used by Him to comfort me, and my family, and we praise God for you.

I ask that you would continue to pray for us as we grieve, that those of us who are believers would do so in a way that’s healthy but still glorifying to God, and that those who are not believers would be drawn to Him in their grief.

Thank you, and may God bless you.

Ps 116:15 ‘Precious in the eyes of the Lord is the death of his saints’